Role of Man

How do you define masculinity?  What does it mean to be a man?

Matt Chandler, lead pastor of The Village Church, looks at the first three chapters of Genesis and contends that man is wired to be a builder, a cultivator, and achiever and that this distinctive role informs what it means to be husband and father.

Matt was the voice in my head as I ran this past week.  I have no hesitation in recommending these 3 talks: Defining Masculinity, Role of Man as Husband and Role of Man as Father.

Here are a few of my take-aways:

• God has given man the primary (not sole!) leadership role in the family
• Being there and taking initiative are key
• God is committed to who we are right now as men, not to some future version of who we ought to be
• Where our present situation and practice is less than God’s ideal, that is the place where God’s grace abounds

A guy’s benediction

If you are looking for the final word benediction style then read this:

Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. (1Co 16:13 ESV)

Men we are called to be engaged in our worlds, our homes, our families and our marriages.  Where is the justification to check-out?  It isn’t found in these final words.

For me the challenge is to “be watchful”.  My kids seem to be exposed to so much stuff, how do I stay not only informed, but how do I intervene in ways that are helpful?  One tool that I have found helpful is the on-line reviews of media at Pluggedinonline.

What part of this “final word” challenges you?

Six reasons why we put off doing stuff

Procrastination and its sources were addressed by John Maxwell in a recent on-line article. He identified six reasons behind our tendency to avoid taking initiative. I have reworked them into the following summary:

• Lack of enjoyment – we put off what we don’t like
• Lack of competency – if we are no good at it, we move on
• Lack of planning – if it’s not on our “radar”, we don’t do it
• Lack of familiarity – if something is foreign to us, like new technology, we are slow to plug in
• Lack of capacity – we avoid those confrontations and issues that drain us
• Lack of return – if something is going to take a lot of effort and yield little, we pass

I can see all these at play in my life. To start with a simple example, I don’t formally plan to write a post to this blog…so it is easy to push that aside and focus on what is scheduled. Around the house if it is a “repair’ that is new to me, well I can easily think of a bunch of reasons not to tackle it. With parenting teenagers there are times when I don’t enter into a confrontation because I am not sure I have the emotional capacity to handle the issue well.

I believe as men we need to be taking initiative in our homes, in our families and in our marriages. I don’t mean rushing into situations with no head or heart. Being servant leaders to those we love does not mean initiating half-witted, cold-hearted dictums. Yet at the other end, the next time I find myself shrinking back, dithering and dawdling I need to probe what is behind my procrastination and let that prompt my prayers and my next steps.

Re-engagement with the one I love

The crowds were chanting, waving their placards, condemning cruise missiles and the government for sanctioning their development. I was 22, I didn’t know what I thought about cruise missiles, but my mind was clear about their demonstration; it I was most definitely against. At that moment of my life, in that place, I was against any and all forms of free speech that would detract from the business at hand. Much planning had gone into that moment. Prayer, money, time and energy had all been expended to make that moment just right. And now the chanting and the waving were messing with the mood. Could they not call the politicians to account on another day? Did it have to be today? Did it have to be as I was about to propose? Alright, alright keep yelling, we’ll move, but somehow, someway I am going to ask her to marry me.

Twenty five years ago on Feb. 12 I was engaged to the woman that became my wife. It is easy to remember the story, it is harder to remember that I still need to be “engaged”. My marriage is not going to be all it could be, or should be, if I disengage from my bride. I still need to be expending time, money, energy and prayer so that there is yet moments of romance in my marriage. The crowds have changed, but the distracting chanting and waving still remains. Alright so be it, but somehow I will find a way to romance my bride!

3 Keys to being “Husband”

What does it mean to be a husband according to the Jesus Way? Recently I took a shot at defining the essentials based on Eph 5:21-33.

Husbands need to be passionate about the well-being of their brides. That passion is expressed in at least three key ways.

First, husbands are pro-active servant-leaders. Just as Jesus took the initiative and gave himself up for his bride (v. 25), so guys we should be taking the initiative to step up to our responsibilities, to step in to the situation and to step out for our brides. Sure there are times when I don’t feel like taking initiative. It’s harder to be pro-active, but ducking my responsibilities to my wife is not loving her like Jesus loved the Church. It’s also hard to make sure my leadership is serving God’s purposes for my wife rather than serving my self-centred interests. Anyone relate to that?

Second, husbands protect their bride. Jesus sacrificed himself to “sanctify” his bride (v. 26). He gave of himself to deliver his bride from corruption and death to holiness and life. As earthly husbands our role is analogous. We take the initiative to protect our bride from that which threatens her well-being, whether that threat is physical, spiritual, or otherwise. Protecting our wife is not dominating her with self-serving rules or putting her in her place with our remarks.

Third, husbands provide for their bride. Just as Jesus nourished and cherished the Church (v. 29) so we should care for the needs of our bride. We might quickly think about providing her material needs and that is a good start, but guys we need to be the one that provides our bride with security and affirmation so that she can flourish and become the woman God intends.

It’s your move!

Where was Adam when his bride was being accosted by the serpent? Don’t give me the line, “The text doesn’t say exactly.” Maybe not ‘exactly’, but what it says is plenty for my point. Adam, wherever he was ‘exactly’, he wasn’t ‘there’ putting himself forward to protect his wife from the craftiness of the Father of all lies. He wasn’t ‘there’ putting himself forward to provide guidance about God’s command. Wherever he was, he wasn’t up front giving himself for his wife and he is not up front for the rest of us husbands either. We must look elsewhere for a role model.

Paul points us in the right direction. He writes,

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Eph 5:25)

Whereas the first Adam gave up his bride when God came a callin’ in the garden, the second Adam gave himself up in the garden for all those that would become his bride the church.

Here is the deal: Men of the Way, step up, put up and give themselves up for the wellbeing of their bride.

Take this on-line poll

The top three sex needs of wives

I didn’t make these up. These are what were reported by Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg based on responses from 700 wives.

Number 1 – affirmation – expressed with authenticity outside the bedroom as well as within

Number 2 – Connectedness – validate her by demonstrating you understand her world and her level of weariness

Number 3 – Non-sexual touch that expresses affection but leads nowhere else

Given the above let me add that a husband will get bonus points if he:

• Sincerely affirms his wife in front of her friends
• Not only “gets” her weariness but does something to lessen it
• Puts some energy into discovering what non-sexual touches are most appreciated by his bride

Bored…read here

Okay for sure I am setting you up in this post. So proceed with careful reflection.

Are you bored? Bored with work? Bored with your marriage? Bored with life? If so, you might want to read this latest posting in the New Man Report.

I would love to hear your responses to that article here.

Taking the road to refresh-ment

I am anticipating some vacation time, as many of you no doubt are. A post in The New Man Report caught my attention this week. It was entitled “Take a vacation…from yourself“. The article includes some doable ideas for hitting the refresh button in our lives as men of the way.

The one from the list that I will be doing is visiting some friends that I haven’t seen for a while. In fact, we leave in two days to do that.

For those of us who are married I would add the idea of expressing romance to our wife in a way other than what fits under the adjectives unimaginative, routine, boring, cheap.

What would you add to the list?

Getting on top of working the off shift

If you work shifts you might find the recent StatsCanada report on “Shift Work and Health” disturbing interesting. Here are a few snippets:

• Three out of 10 employed Canadians worked some type of shift in 2000/01.
• A high percentage of married men working evenings reported relationship problems with their spouse.
• Men who worked an evening shift were more likely than those with a regular daytime schedule to report a low sense of “mastery,” (for example, feeling little control over their life).

I spent close to six years working the evening shift, probably the toughest years to-date for my marriage. I always seemed to be tired. I always seemed to be leaving when people were arriving, sleeping when others were awake, full of energy when others were zonked. Intentionality was key to making our marriage and family work.

What have you discovered that offsets the potential relational hazards faced by working shifts?