Six Traits of a Loving Husband

Gary Chapman in the book The Transformation of a Man’s Heart suggests these six characteristics of loving husbands. Give them a read.

  1. Views his wife as a partner.
  2. Communicates with his wife.
  3. Puts his wife at the top of his priority list.
  4. Seeks his wife’s best interests regardless of her response.
  5. Is committed to discovering and meeting his wife’s needs.
  6. Models his spiritual and moral values.

What do you think?

See also 3 Keys to being “husband”


14 Responses to “Six Traits of a Loving Husband”

  1. 1 Jim Troy
    November 3, 2006 at 5:13 pm

    I think that these things are made easy when both the husband & wife are going down the same path. However when there are two people who are diametric opposites there becomes a power strugle for the basic priciples of life.

    I read a book by a Christian business woman, the book was called the Functional Family by MJ Michael. In the first or second chapter she made a comment that her and her husband discovered after they were married that they were exact opposites in every way. However what they did was instead of concentrating on the the things they disagreed with, they found the common things that they agreed about then built their relationship on those priciples i.e They both had strong Christian backgrounds & felt that that was the path for raising their children Theyalso agreed that he man was the head of the household & it was his responsibility to guide the family. There were more examples but I think you get where i’m going.

    When they held those values or priciples in front of their lives they found the other stuff became minor.

    So I guess my ideal would be to follow that kind of approach in order to accomplish those six areas mentioned by Gary Chapman. By the way I know the author of the book I mentioned and MJ & Scott (her husband) are a shining example of Chapmans six points but even MJ will tell you it takes work and anything worth having is worth working hard or sacrificing for.

    Those are my thoughts please comment.


  2. 2 David
    November 6, 2006 at 10:47 am

    Hey Jim, thanks for your comments.
    I agree with you that Champman’s six points will be easier for a couple who find that for the most part they are heading in the same direction on key issues.
    Having said that I think these six things are tough. Why? Because there are differences between husband and wife. For starters there are gender differences. Add to that personality differences. Top it off with differences in how we were raised.
    When we try to communicate with our wives I think we need to realize that it is going to look different and feel different than when we are communicating at our place of work.
    I think the same is true of meeting my wife’s needs. Her needs may vary from my needs and I need to remind myself that I might not be able to figure out what her real needs are without asking her.

  3. 3 Jim Troy
    November 6, 2006 at 11:58 am

    Hi David,

    Thanks for your insight. I think I have probably been looking at the six points at a mutual thing rather than a needs prospective for the wife, like what can I do or what is my truely my part in all of this.

    In my own situation I clearly have five of the six points to work on. I am going through a reformation of my spiritual life as well as some professional challenges that I have allowed to take my focus away from these things. I also tend to not put these things at the forefront because I know there is very little reciprocation. Not that that is an excuse but I guess it’s one of those personality things.

    Perhaps you & I could spend a half hour over coffee one day, I would greatly value your guidance on my situation.


  4. 4 John Evanoff
    November 9, 2006 at 5:04 pm

    I think that these 6 characteristics are things that we should all aspire to be like.

    However I read in a book called “The Christ Centered Marriage” That these are things that we can not achieve on our own. Christ needs to be in the centre of both the husband and the wife. And once this is done through prayer and repentence then we can with God’s help have these 6 characteristics of a loving husband.

    I only wish that it could be so easy. We as men feel like we have to do it all be strong be providers, be good fathers etc.

    From time to time I get caught up in the circumstances of life and I Know that I do not measure up to these characteristics.

    Other times life is good and I feel like I am in the zone and that I am mmeting all 6 characteristics.

    We are only human and with my small group, prayer, church on Sunday and through reading the Bible. I hope that with God’s help that I am running with the Lord instead of treading water and getting caught up in the waves of this world.


    John Evanoff

  5. 5 David
    November 12, 2006 at 3:47 pm

    John, whether it is being a loving husband, good father, or faithful friend we will soon run out of the right stuff if we are just depending on our own strength.
    I find sometimes it is easier to be relying on God when the times are tough and unfortunately easier to drift into auto-pilot when times are not so tough.
    I think that is one of the benefits of being plugged into the community of faith; the community prompts me to regularly refocus on my relationship with God.

  6. 6 Jim Troy
    November 14, 2006 at 8:30 am

    David & John,

    Great insight. You have both put in words where I am at this point in my life. I think that there are probably others who are in the same situation in that we have to come to these understandings and realize that it is part of “the walk” to be unsure and want to take on things on your own. The difficulty is coming to that “trust factor” with God that 1) he can & will help you to grow in Christ and 2) that part of the whole process is being part of the church family. Then becoming transparent enough to seek mentorship to help enable you to understand what those six points are really all about.

    I know God is guiding me to these things through several venues within the church but I’m sure it is different for everyone. This is what I see as God’s work through the church and that is why it is so important to become a part of your church community.

  7. 7 Wayne Eagle
    November 16, 2006 at 10:01 am

    Hey guys,

    In strictly worldly terms I’m thinking “what’s in this for me?”
    If I think about it in terms of Jesus as OUR top priority then I am called to love my wife as Christ loved the church. I can take the spritual leadership role in my family and all six points are easier to do.
    Her needs are what she needs to better serve Jesus.
    Her best interest is keeping her eyes on Jesus in everything.
    Julie Miller has a wonderful line in one of her songs “In serving Jesus I will serve you too”.
    Why does this need to be so hard.


  8. 8 Len Harms
    November 27, 2006 at 9:42 am

    Hello Dave;

    In regards to Gary Chapman’s ” 6 Characteristics of a Loveing Husband:

    1) Views his wife as a partner.

    S/B life-long partner – this greatly increases the importance of the requirement. In today’s world; partners are too easily discarded – separation and or divorce

    2) Communicates with his wife.

    Totally agree; # 1. As in all aspects of life; whether personal or business; not communicateing leads to failure and proves costly – could be healthwise or financially or both.

    3) Puts his wife at the top of his priority list.

    Completely agree; however; there are times when it may seem as if she has taken a back seat; ie if work vocation requires the husband to be out of town frequently. This is when # 2, again proves essential.

    4) Seeks his wife’s best interests regardless of her response.

    Completely agree; however; in the case of a negative response; this has to be done in a constructive manner; with explanation, to the wife. Understanding her position has to be demonstrated, by the husband.

    5) Is committed to discovering and meeting his wife’s needs.

    Totally agree – not understanding & meeting her needs leads to discontent or worse; however; the difference between wants and needs has to be understood / known. Needs are essential; wants are not.

    6) Models his spiritual and moral values. Totally agree; we cannot be hypocrytes – say / claim one thing and then do contrary. Integrity and relying on the Holy Spirit to guide us is # 1 – we can’t loose.

    Thanks Dave

  9. 9 Sherrie
    November 27, 2007 at 8:13 am

    How comes the man seems too be conditional in loving his wife. If a husband is a Christian
    but has been emotionally abusive , how can you say wives should follow his head ship.How can I see abuse but keep following , where are the boundries.

  10. November 27, 2007 at 10:37 am

    Sherrie, when I think of headship I think of the example of Christ and his sacrificial love for the people of God (see Eph 5:25-33). Emotional abuse in a marriage relationship cannot be excused on grounds that the husband is the “head”. Husbands, especially Christian husbands, need to be challenged to lead in their marriages in a way that protects, provides, serves and nurtures their wives.

  11. 11 Lola
    September 24, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    I was married to a good christian man. He became abusive after 2 years of marriage. Just a caution to christian husbands- when the marriage goes down the tubes a christian wife’s faith in God may be effected. Not fair- but as with many of life’s circumstances- we wonder why did God let him do this to me? I am recovering but am not planning to marry again. Some christian teaching supports the man as the head of the household with all the power. I can say that some men will take that and run with it- all over their wives, this is unfortunate. With that said.. God has protected and provided for me much better than my husband did. I would ask those of you who plan to marry to remember that your wife will be a life time partner. Your parents, children, friends will not. I think that good marriage prep classes are needed by any couple..
    Yes, we had some, but our issues stemmed from his daughter from a previous marriage. The classes did not deal with this dynamic. So, my ex husband had no idea that I needed to be a partner- and the house was not in order. This single power struggle led to abuse and our downfall.

  12. September 24, 2008 at 8:03 pm


    Sorry to hear about your broken marriage. May God continue to restore and provide for you.

    Let me be clear “headship” in a Christian marriage that is understood as giving the Christian husband the right to run all over their wives is not consistent with the biblical principle of husbands sacrificially loving their wives.

    True love is not passive nor is it abusive. It actively desires God’s best for the other.

  13. April 2, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Sorry to hear that. It wouldn’t be right for me to say why that might be. Could you talk to her about this?

  14. 14 JM
    November 24, 2011 at 9:21 am

    I’m a wife or let’s call it a partner, but I felt nothing at all. He treated me opposites to that six signs. But you know guys, just to make my kids happy and have normal lives, i vow down and just give loving. I may sometimes break out, but I realize that I promised to myself to have a happy family and I mostly consider my children in that “family”. Not me, not my needs, I just wish and pray that one day He will treat me like some women wants to be treated. And I hope when that day comes, I can still enjoy it, and it wont be too late.

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