The top three sex needs of wives

I didn’t make these up. These are what were reported by Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg based on responses from 700 wives.

Number 1 – affirmation – expressed with authenticity outside the bedroom as well as within

Number 2 – Connectedness – validate her by demonstrating you understand her world and her level of weariness

Number 3 – Non-sexual touch that expresses affection but leads nowhere else

Given the above let me add that a husband will get bonus points if he:

• Sincerely affirms his wife in front of her friends
• Not only “gets” her weariness but does something to lessen it
• Puts some energy into discovering what non-sexual touches are most appreciated by his bride

Taking the road to refresh-ment

I am anticipating some vacation time, as many of you no doubt are. A post in The New Man Report caught my attention this week. It was entitled “Take a vacation…from yourself“. The article includes some doable ideas for hitting the refresh button in our lives as men of the way.

The one from the list that I will be doing is visiting some friends that I haven’t seen for a while. In fact, we leave in two days to do that.

For those of us who are married I would add the idea of expressing romance to our wife in a way other than what fits under the adjectives unimaginative, routine, boring, cheap.

What would you add to the list?

Getting on top of working the off shift

If you work shifts you might find the recent StatsCanada report on “Shift Work and Health” disturbing interesting. Here are a few snippets:

• Three out of 10 employed Canadians worked some type of shift in 2000/01.
• A high percentage of married men working evenings reported relationship problems with their spouse.
• Men who worked an evening shift were more likely than those with a regular daytime schedule to report a low sense of “mastery,” (for example, feeling little control over their life).

I spent close to six years working the evening shift, probably the toughest years to-date for my marriage. I always seemed to be tired. I always seemed to be leaving when people were arriving, sleeping when others were awake, full of energy when others were zonked. Intentionality was key to making our marriage and family work.

What have you discovered that offsets the potential relational hazards faced by working shifts?

One out of three claim they are

“Do you consider yourself a workaholic?” In a recent Canadian study 1/3 of the respondents answered “yes”. What I found even more interesting is that in comparison with non-workaholics, self-identified workaholics are more likely:

• to feel that their domestic lives are out of balance
• to report poorer health
• to feel trapped in a daily routine
• to feel rushed
• to worry that they don’t spend enough time with family or friends

Can you relate to any of this?

A wise man once asked “What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?” (Ecc 1:3). It seems that this study is suggesting there is a good chance all he gets is grief.

Source: Time escapes me: Workaholics and time perception

Life without margins means writing between the lines

Do you see the margin on this page. That isn’t space wasted, that is space in reserve for words that have yet to be written, words that have not even been thought. Margins can come in very handy.

Our lives benefit from the same principle. The “reserve” in our lives, whether it be time, or emotion, or energy or money is margin that can be utilized for important or urgent things that have yet presented themselves.

Many of us live our lives to the edges. We don’t have any margins. By the day’s end our time, our patience, our strength and our dollars have all been spent. I see this in my own life far too often. And when something “extra” does come along, stress is the feeling I experience as I try to squeeze yet one more thing into a life that has been written to the edges.

One thing that has become clear to me in my battle with a margin-less life is that only doing “good” things doesn’t work. There are too many good things for me and for my family. I need to start asking a different question. More like, “Is this a right thing for me to do now?”

How do you see it? Do you have margins? How do you keep them?

Seven ways to guarantee you are too busy

You may have noticed that I haven’t been posting as frequently; I have been feeling swamped with other commitments. It seems only fitting to get back at blogging by sharing with you the seven “traps” that Dr. Bruce Gordon of Campus Crusade for Christ, Canada identifies in this article.

Take a read and let us know which ones you can identify with.

For me definitely #7. I always think that the future will be less busy. I just need to get this next thing done and then I can coast for a while.

1. We need to be wanted and needed and thus must be available at all times.

2. We say yes to too many good things and lose focus on that which is best.

3. We over commit or allow others to over commit us.

4. Our technology runs us; we do not run our technology.

5. Being busy means that we must be accomplishing more than others; it’s an issue of insecurity.

6. Running fast is an escape; we do not have the time for issues which cause pain.

7. We live our lives in the future; once “this” is done, then I can slow down.

Digital Depression and Teens

iPods, xboxes, text messaging and MSN — these all play a role in the lives of my teens. That probably doesn’t surprise many, but what might surprise you, as it did me, is that excess stimulation from these types of devices contributes to stress and depression among teens. That is the view expressed by Dr. Archibald Hart and Dr. Catherine Hart Weber on a recent podcast .

The doctors went on to explain that one thing among others that we should be on the look out for with our teens is the increasing inability to find pleasure in anything. A persistent and perpetual sense of boredom.

As I reflected on this, it seemed to me that this was just another example of “all things in moderation”. Or to put it another way, my teens and I need to be controlling the technology we use, not being controlled by it.

The problem of going it alone

Over a 10 year period, researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health looked at more than 28,000 men. Here are some of the observations they made regarding socially isolated men:

• they are more likely than others to have died of all types of illness, accidents and suicide
• they are at far greater risk of developing heart disease
• they run a higher risk of depression and other mental health problems

The study goes on to note that being close with different people, people other than your immediate family, particularly people that you can be real with, is very beneficial to a man.

I am not questioning the value in men relating to men, especially in a relationship that has some depth. In fact I am promoting it. Like this is a new idea.

9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! (Ecc 4:9-10)

Guys need to cheer other guys on. What keeps us from doing that?

Napping on the job isn’t all bad

If you have been looking for some solid justification for that afternoon nap I think I can help you. Scientific American reported that:

“working men who took regular or occasional naps had a 64 percent lower risk of death from heart attacks or other heart-related ills than their nonnapping compeers.”

That same article also reported that those who enjoyed afternoon naps of 30 minutes or more, at least three times a week, had a 37% lower risk of dying from heart disease than those who do not nap.

So do your heart a favour and catch a few z’s.

Managing Online Overload

When you are online do you find yourself madly ferreting out information, clicking away in focused pursuit, only to discover that the deeper you burrow the more there is to know about…what was it I was searching for?

Here are some tips I found via George Ambler’s leadership post:

• Focus on what you really need, not what the web might push onto you.
• Don’t get bogged down in off-topic chases.
• Maintain a healthy distinction between online work and online leisure. Doing both often diminishes the effectiveness of our work.
• Establish time limits so that other priorities can be pursued.

To the above list let me add the notion of a digital sabbath. Once a week seek a period of renewal by not being connected.